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| I haven't wrote a blog in so long that I don't even remember how to, and I'm so upset that my fingers are like stumbling every other second. I need help. I just need someone to talk to.
I'm so stressed out that I've been crying pretty much since I woke up (a whopping 3pm) my side hurts so bad that I know I should've went and got a stupid ultrasound done on my stupid stupid STUPID STUPID gallbladder. I can't even eat anymore, mostly because I'm too afraid it's going to hurt. my sister's fucking bank account got closed ONE WEEK BEFORE SHE GETS PAID!!! SO NOW WHERE IS THE MONEY GOING TO GO!? and guess who has to tell her this wonderful news? me! so I get to be yelled at and treated like shit and *deep breath*
I started college again like a month ago and I'm doing fine but all of sudden with all this other stressful shit going on the math I was doing GREAT in looks like a foreign language and if I fail another class I'm out and I am so done fucking up.
I'm going to be 20 in like days and my father is dead and I'm not even going to see my mom until CHRISTIAN'S bday party, what if he wasn't having one? Would she just not come to see me? Why doesn't she care about me anymore?
now I can't breathe, I'm pretty sure I'm having some kind of break down and I just. can't. stop IT.
it's ok. it' sok. it'll be ok. it will.
must. look at positive things in life.
School is going well, sure I just got a 80 in my math test when I thought I had gotten all of the answers right, but at least it isn't a 50? I'm doing great in all the other classes too and I think going into college this time has helped me mature because I've been looking at a lot of things differently lately, even wishing I can have some kind of faith back in my life because who knows? Maybe it would help? Something needs to, because if I have many more days like this I'm going to go insane.
More so then I already am that is :-p.
It's ok. It really is. Things are going to be ok. They always work out, things get better.
(Heeeeelp me....)
And now I'm all paranoid that my mom or my aunt will get this in an email because they were once subscribed to me, liz if you get it please don't tell anyone about her bank account or that I"m stressed and mom if you get it um...I'm just upset and I'll be ok in a while?
*sigh*
my side hurts again now
maybe I'll post more because I'm not shaking as badly as I was when I started and maybe writing again will help...please let it help.
Update: I DID IT!! ME ALL BY MYSELF! I GOT HER BANK ACCOUNT BACK UP, THE BRANCH MANAGER SAID IT WAS FINE THAT IT WOULD BE BACK UP SOMETIME TOMORROW!!!!
It's a start right? It at least made the tears stop :-p haha.
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Well I wish there was someone
Well I wish there was someone
To love me
When I used to be someone
And I knew there was someone
That loved me
As I sit here frozen alone
Even ghosts get tired and go home
As they crawl back under the stones
And I wish there was something
Please tell me there's something better
And I wish there was something more than this
Saturated loneliness
And I wish I could feel it
And I wish I could steal it
Abduct it, corrupt it, but I never can
it's just saturated loneliness
Does the silence get lonely?
Does the silence get lonely?
Who knows?
I've been hearing it tell me
I've been hearing it tell me
Go home
Cause the freaks are playing tonight
They packed up and turned out the lights
And I wish there was something
Please tell me there's something better
And I wish there was something more than this
Saturated loneliness
And I wish I could feel it
And I wish I could steal it
Abduct it, corrupt it, but I never can
It's just saturated loneliness
And the bath waters cold
And this life's getting old
And I wish I could feel it
And I wish I could feel it
And I wish I could steal it
Abduct it, corrupt it
And I wish I could feel it
And I wish I could steal it
And I wish I could feel it
Abduct it, corrupt it
But I never can
I never can
Never Can
Never Can
Never Can
I miss my dad.
He wont' be calling me to tell me happy birthday this year 
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| You know. It's weird. When things can change so much so quickly. Life can change in mere seconds, and then you are just left staring blankly at the after image of what it used to be.
I would write another blog, about how I'm tired and I want to give up.
But fuck it you know? Because I never do and I hate people who bitch and complain like that. But I hate myself so I guess that's ok.
I want this to be different.
I'm ready for this to be different.
I'm only 18 yet I feel like I should be 30. Does that mean I am? That I'll die young?
Is it bad that sometimes I wish I would?
I don't want to die, I'm afraid of it actually. Afraid of the uncertainty that it brings to mind.
But in the same way I can't imagine feeling like this for the rest of my life and if it hasn't gotten bette rin 6 years what makes me think it's going to get better anytime soon?
I read a story the other day, the person in it was a cutter and they said, "The only reason I haven't killed myself is because I keep telling myself that if I jsut wait another day it'll get better."
But does it? I've literally been telling myself that for 6 years. And it hasn't yet, truthfully it's gotten worse. How do you keep faith when it keeps getting worse?
What did I ever do to deserve this? Did I kill little kids in a past life? Rape them? If so yea, I deserve this...if not then what? Why?
I guess that's the question of life right? Why do bad things happen?
Sometimes, I wish I could be so insane that my reality was different. I wish that I could fall so far into whatever shit I have wrong with me that the people in my head could come out and really be here. Regardless if other people could see them.
Oh well...
Pearl Jam - Footsteps
Don't even think about reachin' me
I won't be home
Don't even think about stoppin' by
Don't think of me at all
I did, what I had to do
If there was a reason, it was you...
Don't even think about gettin' inside
Voices in my head, voices
I got scratches, all over my arms
One for each day, since I fell apart
I did, what I had to do
If there was a reason, it was you...
Footsteps in the hall, it was you, you
Pictures on my chest, it was you
It was you...
I did, what I had to do
And if there was a reason
Oh, there wasn't no reason, no
And if, there's something you'd like to do
Just let me continue, to blame you
Footsteps in the hall, it was you, you
Pictures on my chest, it was you, you
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| Today
was the 4th of July and this year my family did absolutely nothing
to celebrate it.
I
don’t know, maybe it’s because Dad’s dead now and all I want is something to be
like it used to be, but nothing is and I guess nothing ever will be again.
We
usually all meet up at Berea
to see the fireworks, or at least that has been what we did for the last 2-3
years. This year I sat in the house doing homework and trying not to think
about how much I miss my father.
I
guess I could’ve done something to change that, Liz invited us up to grill out
and I didn’t go, but by that point I was already pretty down and had already
given up on having a good time on this ‘holiday’.
It’s
just; sometimes it’s so hard to think of him as dead. I think of the man that
used to be my father and then try to think of the urn that I have left of him
and it just doesn’t connect, doesn’t click.
I mean, logically I guess I know he’s dead, but it’s just…I don’t know.
It’s hard to explain.
My
next appointment is on July 19th and I think it’s going to be pretty
interesting to see what’s going to happen, I’m thinking about asking him what
he thinks at the end of it, I mean 3 hour long visits should be enough for him
to have at least a glimpse of what could possibly, maybe be wrong with me
right? I think it’s going to be interesting to hear what he has to say on the
subject.
I
signed up for summer classes and they have been extremely tiring and time
consuming so far. I’m really, really interested in the subjects though so it’s
been helping. What am I taking you might ask? Geography and Human
Communications, I’m surprised that I’m interested in them as well don’t worry.
Maybe it’s just because it’s something else than just sitting around doing
absolutely nothing and being bored out of my fucking head. Maybe it’s because I
just like to learn and never tried it long enough to know. I don’t’ know, I
just know that I’m enjoying it, well everything but the time consuming part. I’ve
had to take notes non stop since I got home from Liz’s on Saturday and I mean,
it isn’t going to get any better because these classes only last until July 27th
and I have to get a lot of material done in between now and then. My advise?
Never take summer classes if you can help it.
Did
you know that France
is the leading country in Nuclear Power. France, of all places. I mean, I
don’t know I just never thought that they would hold such a huge title. You can
ask me a lot about Europe now and I’ll be able
to answer it if not immediately after taking a look at my notes. I have
freaking 36 pages of notes, how ridiculous is that? And, that’s only for my
geography class, I have even more if you count my communications notes.
Ok,
now I’m just rambling so I’ll stop and probably try to get some sleep. | | |
| I'm at Liz's and have been since yesterday after my psychiatrist appointment. I really like it here and the babies are just adorable. I'm going home today though, I wasn't going until tomorrow but me/ Lisa have to go to EKU and make them give us a book voucher for classes so Liz is taking me up to Richmond to meet her.
Which brings me to something else to say. I'm officially back in school now. I'm taking two online classes - Geography 200 and Introduction to Human Communications. I've also already signed up for classes for fall. Math 090, Orientation, and English. I feel like now that I'm back in college and checking blackboard every five minutes that I never even left.
If I could get my life exactly how it was when I first went to college, I'd be happy. That would mean these things would have to happen.
Dad = come back to life you fuck face.
My dearest EX = stop being a fuck face :-p
Justin = come back and live with Lisa again, I forgive you for stealing money from me and making my mom yell at me.
Josh = you come back to life too, even though I didn't talk to you anymore by then because you moved....I would very much like to know that you are ok somewhere.
Do you want to know why I'm like this? Because I read like 10 pages back into my xanga and hit the pages where I was happy. Really happy, and I miss it.
I read back to when my dad was still alive and how I talked about how depressed I would be if he died and then I'm like "wow. he is dead now. how weird is that."
I really want to hug him right now. I want to hear his voice, his laughter. I want to see him and mom slow dancing to Guns n Roses - Don't Cry Tonight. I think they loved each other, Mom says she didn't love him but I don't see how she couldn't when I look back on all the things they did together. Why did he have to take the drug thing so far?
My psychiatrist told me I was treated badly in life. And that I needed help to heal because of that. But I'm not sure if I can heal by myself. I don't know how.
Do you think anyone is up that I can talk to? I've been up since 5 because I had a bad dream. I'm thinking about trying to go back to sleep though for a while, if not I'll be sick all day long. But I was sick all day yesterday. I can't eat anymore without feeling sick. How can I fix that? By not eating? I guess I won't.
Someone come sleep with me and rub my tummy so it won't feel bad anymore? Not that rubbing it is going to make it feel better but for some reason that is what my mom would do when I was little when I was sick.
I miss my mom.
I saw her yesterday, she gave me money and I bought stuff, but I think I would've much rather had a couple of days with her. Which I could, if I would just go up to Kevin's house but I really, really, really hate that man and I don't like how she acts when she is around them and Bailey would be there which would mean I would have to deal with telling her she can't have sex with me.
I really want to start hanging out with my friends again. If anyone knows Justin Smith's number give it to me so I can call him, or tell him to call me? I've tried to get talk to him through myspace but he hasn't been on in like two months. Maybe I'll try Marks.
Oh well, that's about it.
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